Wasted
by SamtheGoddessofFire
Summary: What would happen if Rick never got the phone call in season 3 episode 5? Would he still hide from the group? Would he try to come around? Or is he just going to let himself waste away?


**Finally I have got around to finishing this. **

**Chapter 1 is just a review of what happens before the telephone supposedly rings.**

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I couldn't bring myself to breathe, my heartbeat raced inside my chest. I saw the pitying look in the others' eyes, however their gazes did nothing to soothe my pain. I tried to run, to run away from this nightmare which I called my life. But my shocked legs couldn't do much more than stumble. For a few steps, I aimlessly staggered, reminding myself of a walker. For all I knew I could be one now, one of the always restless. After a few seconds, I collapsed, my legs finally giving in after my struggle with reality. My heart tightened in my chest, then I felt it tear in two.

Lori was dead.

It all happened so quickly after the massive walker invasion that I didn't think about the baby. Yes I thought about Lori, about protecting her, but look how that turned out. I cradled my knees as I sobbed, bringing them up to my chest in the foetal position. She was dead. My wife was no more. I hoped that they had at least tried to save her, Maggie and Carl I mean. They better had. But I just couldn't think of anyone else at that moment. I knew that Lori and I had been distant recently, but we hadn't always been like that. During my policing days we were happy, that was a time that I wanted to remember. When Carl was little, when Lori and I were happy … I knew that I shouldn't dwell on her death, but how could I not? Lori was my life, my soul was tied to her in ways in which some people only dream.

So now I am stuck in an apocalypse, with my son, a newborn and no wife. My friends will soon begin to hate me, then Carl. They will do just as Lori did. They will stay away from me then die and my heart will shatter again. I recall a voice, which sounded extremely similar to Daryl's telling me that I needed to get up, that the walkers were invading. Why should I care? Why should I even move? I was comfortable here, thinking of my wife. Her smile, her laugh, her voice; they all belonged to me once. Then there was Shane. I wished so much that he didn't turn, that I didn't kill him. But what was all this wishing worth? I had no idea what was to happen now, I just wished that I could go back in time and change the events which led to or planet being a 'shit hole' as Daryl called it. Daryl … he wasn't that old either. He only has Merle left. Well, as far as I know her only had Merle left. I have Carl and … and the baby, which may not even be mine, thanks to Shane. I could understand why, it's just that I wished Lori had told me earlier, she should've given me a chance to get over the fact that my wife had fucked my best friend. I don't even know why I forgave her for that, it may have been for Carl's benefit, but look where this has ended up now. If I hadn't told Lori about what happened to Shane, then we might of not been in this mess. And if I hadn't stabbed Shane in the heart, if I had stabbed him through the brain, then Carl wouldn't have shot him when he became a Walker. Then the farm would still be safe. That shot that Carl fired was my fault, it was my fault that the horde followed the noise and my fault that we had to leave the farm.

I saw my chance and I took it, I saw the axe lying on the floor and I picked it up. All those walkers who had breached our boundaries were going to die for the second time.

I don't really remember what happened, all I knew was that I have killed so many walkers and lugged the axe around for such a long time that my muscles were beginning to hurt. Somewhere off into the distance, I could hear my name being called, but I didn't care. I just went out in search of more walkers. Thinking back to Lori, I pulverized a walker's head so much that even a previous relative would've failed to identify them. I still had enough sense not to use my gun, but even if I forgot about the walker's being attracted to noise, I would've rather used the axe anyway. Storming my way through the Cell Bock, killing anything that looked remotely like living dead. The voice that was calling me got closer until it was right behind me, I recognised the voice, but I didn't want to know who it was.

"Rick, Rick you don't need to do this alone. We are all still her for you. Did you want to talk? Rick, just answer me," the voice said, his hand touched my shoulder. I was moving with adrenaline as I turned around and pinned Glenn against the the wall. Why wouldn't they just leave me alone? I don't want their sympathy, I want my wife. I needed to see her one last time before I could even think about letting her go. After Glenn had out-stayed his welcome, he ran off leaving me running in the direction of the boiler room, I would find her. I had to.

Once inside the boiler room, I knelt to the floor, curiously there was blood, a bullet, but no body. Where had Lori gone? Did they remember to shoot her, or did they let her turn? If they'd let her turn, then Maggie and Carl are going to get the wrath of Rick Grimes! My head was becoming woozy now, I couldn't concentrate much. Whilst I was examining the bullet, it looked a lot like one of the bullets from Carl's gun, I caught sight of a walker on the floor. It's curiously fat body suggested that it had devoured my wife. I had discarded the axe a short while ago, only leaving me with my Colt Python, a .375 Magnum calibre revolver, the only memory of my policing days. I walked up to the bastard and watched him squirm as he tried to get to me, good luck you shit head. I lowered myself to his level, he still tried to get to me, but he was obviously too bloated to move. I raised my revolver, aiming it at his face, then placed it in his mouth. I didn't even flinch when his brains littered the wall behind him. Serves the airhead right. He deserved to die. I took out my anger, hatred and grief out on the walker. I stabbed his belly multiple times, trying to make him feel the pain that I have felt so far in this life, this new life.

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**Please remember to review!**

**Sam**


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